Taming Your Inner Critic

How do you make peace with that inner chatter that contributes negative self-talk to the flow of thoughts in your head?

Some small portion of it may be helpful and keep us on track and noticing necessary details. But sometimes, it just amounts to an internal beating and bullying of our softer side, that really does want to do things right.

According to Jay Early, PHD, there are seven types of Inner-critic self-talk

  • Perfectionist – provoking the highest, maybe unobtainable standards, this critic drives performance, behavior and production to very high levels. It can result in projects that never seem to end since they can never reach a perfect state. It can also freeze a person into inaction, as they become convinced their work will never be good enough.
  • Inner Controller – tries to control impulsive behavior perceived as “not good for you” or even “dangerous”. Failure to comply results in harsh bullying and shaming from that same critic voice.
  • Taskmaster – like the perfectionist, the taskmaster forces hard work and a workaholic attitude to reach success thru discipline and laser focused production and an “at all costs” avoidance of shoddy and insufficient results.
  • Underminer – works to sabotage self-esteem and self-confidence to avoid risk and failure as an absolute imperative, even if the result is inaction. It also attacks any efforts to assume a role that is too powerful, responsible or “big” to avoid attention and drawing attack from others, even if it is unwarranted. It’s goal is a feeling of worthlessness.
  • Destroyer – uses shame to suck out any self-worth present. Its convinces the person they shouldn’t and don’t have the right to exist.
  • Guilt-Tripper – exerts pressure based on some specific action or repeated behavior that was harmful or crossed a personal value boundary. Weaponized guilt assaults the person and they feel like they will never be forgiven.
  • Molder – has in mind a specific way of being, acting or looking, that originates in cultural or family norms. If the person veers out of this very narrow standard or if it just doesn’t fit and never did, then the person is made to feel inadequate. It is quiet when living up to the standard, but blitzkriegs when not. [1]

The Inner Critic can be a Terrorist!

With the volume turned down, like a reasonable notice from the conscience, our inner voice may be keeping us safe or funneling our efforts to the best advantage, keeping us from social faux pas and taboos, etc.

But when the volume gets too loud or hypercritical, with “You’re stupid”, “You’re not attractive”, “You’ll never get it right”, “He doesn’t really care about you”[2], then it becomes your own worst enemy and it’s time for a change!

How the Inner Critic expresses itself comes from internalized trauma and social patterns and negative attitudes that were picked up as early as infancy. They continue to expand as we grow and learn how to conduct ourselves in our families, schools, jobs and other social groups. [2]

Emotional Resolution(EmRes) is a protocol or technique that addresses the emotions that trigger the Inner Critic’s voice. EmRes is a tool that everyone MUST have in their back pocket.

Through a combination of one-on-one sessions with a professional and learning to conduct mini-session in the moment, EmRes clears away the embedded emotions that are triggered in a person’s life. By tackling each triggered situation as they come up, “the voice” will quieten as they are resolved. With some work, but in an amazingly short time, it will stop completely.

EmRes sessions with a professional are calm, restoring and reassuring. EmRes-Self mediating are immediate and effective.

By removing the emotional triggers, EmRes clients and practitioners say they have “learned how to be happy with themselves“, they “get more done” and they “feel comfortable in their own skin“.

Learn more about EmRes

Are you ready to Tame Your Inner Critic?

Book an EmRes Session or EmRes-Self training

References
1. What Kind Of Inner Critic Are You?
2. Critical Inner Voice

Emotional Merry-go-rounds and other spirals

Its that situation again. That person or group is present. This conversation or action will trigger my feelings. I’ll spiral into my “go-to” emotions. and I’ll be back in my misery, again. It takes to much energy and time to climb out of that wheel. Time to get off the scary-go-round!

PTSD, depression, substance abuse and other disorders are commonly associated with emotional dysregulation.
Its the inability to manage the intensity and duration of negative emotions such as fear, sadness, or anger. When caught off-guard by some triggering event, clients are plunged into overwhelming emotions and behaviors that may be difficult to recover from.

Traditionally emotional regulation skills are based on cognitive and behavioral interventions, using conscious thought and behavior to regulate emotions.

But what if we can address the emotions directly? Resolving them, in the moment they are occurring? ..and just get rid of them permanently?

Think about it. If you have a nose bleed, you wouldn’t just let the blood run down your face, onto your shirt. No. You would stop what you are doing and take care of it with a tissue, tip your head back, maybe add a cold compress. You and everyone around you will understand that your body needs some attention. It is a necessary and immediate need.

It’s the same way with emotions. If you are experiencing an emotion or feeling, that is anywhere from uncomfortable to overwhelming, it is time to stop and take a moment to deal with that emotion…. just like its a nose-bleed.

How do we loosen emotion’s grip and get control back? How do we stand in our emotion, face it head on, in the moment of crisis and “conquer it”?

We must all learn to resolve and balance our unwanted emotions on the fly, and we can do it quite simply.

Emotional Resolution on and for the Self (EmRes-Self)

  • IN THE MOMENT, while you are still in the emotion, Close your eyes. turn your focus away from the outside source of your disturbance and look in.
  • Scan your body and notice at least two physical sensations, like throat tight, hands sweaty, hard to breathe, stomach tight, etc.
  • Allow the sensations to change, without control or expectation. Don’t do anything, just watch.
  • Be present with the physical sensations until they are gone, for up to 2 minutes
  • When you are calm, open your eyes. the emotion will be gone.

It sounds ridiculously simple. How can something this unpretentious work?

Well, if you don’t embellish the routine, it works fabulously. Here are a couple guidelines to curb your desire to “make it better”.

  1. This process works with the current emotional difficulty your body is experiencing. If you are angry at your co-worker now, then you must resolve now while you are still angry at him, not after you’ve cooled down and are recalling your anger. The timing can be tricky in this regard. But immediately excusing yourself to a restroom and resolve there, will usually keep you in the emotion enough to resolve. Excusing yourself to tend a fake “important text” on you phone, also allows you to covertly bow your head to your phone and close your eyes for a few seconds–its surprising how socially normal this is.
  2. Emotions are experienced by the body as physical sensations. It is the body that has the embedded/trapped emotions that keep coming up via triggers, flooding your mind and overwhelming thought and reason. When you close your eyes, you are shifting from the mental brain/memory to emotional brain/memory.
    The body has an innate ability to metabolize the emotional memories, the physical sensations, if you give it the time and space to do so.
    And that is just it–You must give your body time to do it’s work!
    Remember: Power goes where you focus.
    You can not be in your mind and your body at the same time. If you gently focus on your body, it will resolve the physical sensations and release the emotional imprint. If you let your focus return to the mind, recalling the situation, trying to make sense of the physical sensations, focusing too hard on the sensations, trying to control or change the shape, form or intensity of the sensations, then the body stops its “resolve the emotion work”. Just watch the physical sensations and allow them to change. The sensations can be uncomfortable, but even “breathing into it” is a form of control that will derail the whole process.
  3. Allow the physical sensations to change, grow, move, pop up in another location as you passively watch, until all physical sensations are gone and you are calm… for up to 2 minutes. Many times it can take only 8-20 seconds! After 2 minutes, which feels like a long time, open your eyes and recall the emotional situation that disturbed you. We are not changing history here. You will still remember being mad, for instance, but you will most likely not feel mad about it any more. If you do feel a little emotion is left, then close your eyes again, go thru the resolve again. It will be completely gone after the second time through.

It really works. It works for me. It works for everyone that has learned it. And it will work for you.

In one of my advance Emotional Resolution classes, I met a woman who was in New York on 9/11, a hotline operator, who watched the buildings fall from close range. She had PTSD for years as a result. She shared that most of her healing was finally accomplished by using the ER-Self protocol, when she was triggered, in the instant that she was in the emotion. She was adamant about the power of Emotional Resolution on the Self (EmRes-Self).

After I recovered a little from the impact of her story, I reflected on my own use of ER-Self. Every time I had the presence to [stop, close my eyes, let go of my mind, feel the physical sensation in my body, allow them to change, observe them lightly until they were gone], it worked. My troubling emotion, present in me at the time, was gone.

You can practice from the instructions in this blog and get it right. But sometimes we have questions and need face to face time with an instructor. I teach classes in ER-Self, both to groups and privately in-person and on the phone.

Please learn this amazing act of Self-Care. Just like a nose-bleed or cut on our finger, we need to take care of ourselves when our body demands attention, whether it shows up as actual blood or as a troubling emotion that affects our ability to effectively navigate our life and world.

Are you ready to take Self-Care to the next level?

Learn ER-Self with a group (In Dallas, Tx)

Learn ER-Self individually, on the phone or in-person

Overcoming Self-Doubt

The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world, the stupid are cocksure, while the intelligent are full of doubt.

Bertrand Russell

Self-doubt is the biggest bully, ever. You don’t even have to go outside yourself to hear deprecating self-talk about your thoughts and actions, how you feel and look, who values you-if anyone, your likelihood of success, who has your back? who is trustworthy, etc. It can be a beating just to open your eyes in the morning and start the day with low self-confidence that slides lower with that nit-picking little voice.

For some of us it’s situational. You are fine and mostly confident in school or a business environment, but totally out of your comfort zone in a social setting. Or just the opposite can be true — social butterfly at home and church, but a stiff wall-flower in the office meeting.

It can become a feeling of deep aloneness, where you must struggle on alone, not able to ask for help because no one is truly there to help you–unless you have already over-done for them. Or you are too embarrassed and full of shame to ask for help. A Self-doubter has an infinite number of stories to explain and justify why you feel so bad and why “things just don’t work out for you”. And all those reasons are big arrows pointing at your own lack of importance and worth.

The Self-doubter also has few personal boundaries, making you easy prey for the predators and narcissists on the prowl. Even if other don’t have “bad” intentions, who will value you, if you don’t value yourself? It puts other people in charge of your situation and destiny.

What can be done? Resolve it!

If these words describe your identity: self-doubt, low self-esteem, indecisive, hesitant, self-deprecation, self-anger, over-modest, passive, shy, etc, then you will be pleased to know that Emotional Resolution (EmRes) protocol can change it!

It may seem like a huge mountain of “stuff” over and around you, that is too big to tunnel out of. But I can assure you, if “Self-doubt” is your thing, we can take care of that.

Self-Doubt is the most common complaint among my Emotional Resolution clients. Many of the most amazing success stories are with people that lack self-confidence and boundaries as their primary trouble. Even if individuals come for other reasons, like grief or separation/divorce, Self-doubt is pervasive in our minds when our emotions are in turmoil.

It turns out, lack of self-confidence and boundaries are some of the easiest scenarios to address.

Why? Because you can easily pick out a specific situation that leads to “an episode” of damning self-talk. This is our entry point into an Emotional Resolution session.

Emotional Resolution uses the body’s own natural ability to access the troubling subconscious emotion(s) that triggered the Self-doubt. It was embedded in the body by some past trauma or high-stress situation. The body resolves the physical sensations associated with the embedded emotion, removing it forever. It sounds simple, and it is.

It is life changing! Resolving Self-doubt can provide amazing relief.

Every client is different with unique circumstances. Emotional Resolution protocol adapts to the individual case and produces results … period.

I tend to gush happy expletives at this point because the work is so exciting in it’s effects on clients and their happiness. Many have been able make decisions, be in their own power, getting procrastination out of the way, stop the self-bullying, it’s a long list of positive changes.

They have told me that their friends and families say they look different–better, happier. I think they do too. They are full of their own confidence and it shines out like a bright light.

Are you ready to reclaim your own power and turn on your internal light?

Book an Emotional Resolution Session